


I Wish...

by quicksilverdeancas (quicksilvermalec)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Canon Compliant, Cas is my baby boy and deserves a fucking hug, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Castiel is Not Oblivious (Supernatural), Castiel sacrifices so damn much, Castiel/Dean Winchester in Love, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Drabble, GET THIS LITERAL ANGEL A BLANKET AND SOME HOT CHOCOLATE, Heavy Angst, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Made Myself Cry, Mutual Pining, Other, POV Castiel, POV First Person, Sad Castiel (Supernatural), Sad Castiel/Dean Winchester, Sad Ending, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?, Why Did I Write This?, and if you look past the fact that Destiel is never Canon Compliant, enjoy i guess, if you don't squint too hard, sort of...?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-11-07 13:34:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20818115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quicksilvermalec/pseuds/quicksilverdeancas
Summary: I asked my Father once why it had to be this way.orIn which Dean and Castiel are in love and they both know it. But they also know that they can't ever have what they want, so what's the point?





	I Wish...

**Author's Note:**

> I SAW A HEADCANON AND I ELABORATED ON IT AND I MADE MYSELF SAD TIME TO INFLICT THIS ON THE WORLD.
> 
> Inspired by [this](https://me.me/i/i-wish-circumstance-were-different-mishpala-ti-wish-iwas-human-6062120) and [this](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/10/6e/fe/106efe9100e377f46c83da934348c207.png).
> 
> Enjoy!

“I wish circumstances were different.”

I wish that circumstances were different. I wish I wasn’t fighting a war in heaven that kept me away, prevented me from helping you, but it’s more than that.

I wish that you weren’t a hunter and I wasn’t an angel. I wish that we could meet in a coffee shop or a college class. I wish that you could ask for my number and I could scribble it on the corner of your statistics homework.

I wish that we could kiss in your car after our first date. I wish that we could watch a movie on the couch for our second and fall asleep holding each other. I wish that you could take me home and introduce me to your mom and dad and brother. I wish that I had a mother and father to bring you home to meet.

I wish that we could be together in the brilliant mundane ways that normal humans get to be. I wish I didn’t have to choose between what I want and what I can have. I wish I didn’t have to choose your safety over my own life.

(But I will. I have, and I would again. I will always choose you.)

I wish you understood the myriad of ways in which I love you. I wish…

I wish that circumstances were different.

“I wish that circumstances were different,” I said to you once, and I meant it. I wish that I could have you.

Every time I look at you, some small part of me fears that you’ll figure it out. That I love you. I do not fear it because I fear your reaction. I fear it because of what it would mean for us to enter into that.

Every time we touch – every brush of hands, every hug, every reaching out for one another – I can feel it in you, pulsing through you like a second heartbeat. I know that you love me, too.

I cannot stay with you, no matter how much I love you. I cannot let you in because if I do, everything we’ve done will be for naught. So I continue to pretend. I must continue to pretend that I don’t know that you love me. I must continue to pretend that I don’t love you as well, even if it tears me apart from the inside. In order to protect you, I have to let you go.

It is the hardest thing that I have ever done.

I asked my Father once why exactly this was what happened. Why it couldn’t have gone some other way, why it had to be this agonizing, this painful, why I had to love you so much. So much that it hurts, like needles in my skin, so much that it makes me feel sick to be away from you, so much that every time I’m near you it’s like I’m drawn to you and I cannot seem to escape it.

I asked my Father, once, why. Why did I feel this way if I was never allowed to act on it? And he told me.

“There had to be one universe, Castiel, where you and Dean did not end up together. Here and now happened to be it.”

If there had to be one universe where we didn’t end up together… if this is that one universe, then that means that in every other universe where you and I both exist, we are together. That means that somewhere out there is a version of Dean and Cas who are happy, and healthy, and alive, and _together_, and for so long as it remains the case that I cannot have you, I shall instead send my thoughts to them.

And one day, in the event that I inevitably lose you, I will return. I promise you, Dean Winchester, I will go back for you. And maybe, just maybe, you and I may have in death what we could never have in life.

Let us hope.

**Author's Note:**

> THAT WAS AWFUL I'M SO SORRY *cries forever*
> 
> Love,  
-Dean (yes I fucking changed my name don't judge me)


End file.
